Morning non-sense

I have nothing to write. I need to close up right now. I do horribly with people. I need to peek at my surroundings from the inside, carelessly rather than looking from the surface.
I found my place. I found a forgotten sensation of an almost utopic state of serenity. Amazing.
As morning comes...
Retreat on the inside! Peek, don`t look! The thin ice beneath makes every moment of the present slip into this old greyish box of memories hidden in my head . .

I miss the soft silky touch of a yellow gerbera :)

The change

Things change. Constantly. I never thought this part of my life would ever be so vulnerable. I simply supposed that some things just don`t change. That some things that two people imagine and believe in will always be sacred and trusted. That was childish of me to think. And always knew it was somehow, I just never met the perfect situation to confront it until now.
I feel fine. I do my stuff. I am optimistic or at least try to be about anything that comes to my mind. I am improving my neck-rash from my violin. I am reading. I`ve been listening to awesome shit like Mahler - 2nd Symphony, a lot of Bartok, Erik Truffaz, Pinkfloyd (all the creamy stuff). Thinking. Breathing. Smiling. I am fine.
New skin, new face, new smell, new breath, eyes, voice, thoughts... I would lie if I would say I cannot feel its warmth and again-i would lie if i would say i don`t enjoy them.. I feel her in so many ways but the scents, the thoughts, the warmth all leave my soul in a cold loneliness.
I want a chance to try. To try being what we were meant to be.
A deep breath between two cigarettes and three sounds..
I am fine :)

I "r", you "am"

I wish each sentence would begin with an "I", but then again probably everything is better than it looks like...

Sepia days

Ever oscillating. Temporary happiness, momentary madness, nighttime darkness, optimistic depression, pessimistic truth-quests of my mind.

Coffee, rain, quartet, cigarettes, cold, coffee, music, footsteps, cigarette, grey people, white people, red people, black people - conversate, turn back, leave - coffee, cigarettes, warmth, green people - love, silence, two wide shut eyes, disgust, turn back, leave - motionless walking, half an hour, fury, red wine, smile, cigarettes, strings, fingers, artificial warmth - turn back, leave - words, sounds, skin patches, dark silence - -
swallow; exhale; sip; inhale . .

We live our days by our own prefferrence centering it around our own habbits and ritualistic actions.

Solitude - I am my closest friend; I am the center of every thought and action; Each place I stop, my solitude anchors me there; "Each sentence begins with an I "; 'friends' are my mere tools of passing of my time; Each plan is perfect and is affected at some level by my self-motivation; Other people`s interference just causes uncertainty so I turn back to my own dialogues; -=My solitude equals certainty; certainty equals my safety=-

Two - We are two; We may be or simply just think we are each other`s centers of thoughts and actions; Each place we stop our love may anchor us there or though our feet may lead us in different directions; Our interference in words and actions may just cause confusion; Self-motivation shifts to expectations based on our own knowledge about ourselves; We may feel unequal, unappreciated, unloved.. ; -=Our companion equals uncertainty; uncertainty equals distrust and chaos; your lies equal leaving me outside in the windy cold rain anchored to my memories of you=- Love - Love is . . Love is not; I know, you know, he knows, they know, she knows, we know; Love is not "Solitude" nor "Two".

Please show me what it is . . or let me walk back to my bitter-cosy solitude .

Isn`t life funny ?!

Isn`t life so awfully funny? Why yes it is! It is if I tell you!
Some give, others take and again there are ones who give and take.
All this shitty blog. An illusion of writing for myself, hoping someone reads it.
All the worthless words typed in..
My own proud conclusion of life after one month of agony is:
Fuck around with life as much as you desire and more importantly with people`s lives because in case you don`t other`s will end up fucking around with you and life cannot wait to show you how "fuckable-around" you are.

This blog may be getting to an end. Comments are welcome.
Life and people await me to fuck around with them..

Nice to learn some new things..

It is nice to learn how love works nowadays...
Don`t give too much, it might be to much to recieve for someone else. Leave your own dosage of love (vial of love) for the rest of the world.
I`m okay. Coffee tastes great, the cold outside just makes the warmth of the coffee warmer. I AM fine ! Hope you all are..

P.S.

Back and forth.

Almost a week passed. Our minds are twisted. Our thirst for life that drives us from a day to the next one is humongous.. Exaggeratedly humongous?!
My thirst is! I began feeling dehydrated by my greedy self. Now unbelievable soft, warm, long kisses linger on my lips, my fingers touch such a soft beautiful skin and the smell . . the skin . . and its smell again . . they all drive my mind into a temporary madness, an almost sick hyper-saturation of love . .
I don`t care about what I am right now. Considered, reconsidered and exponentially re-re-re-considered shifting my attitude towards people and most importantly towards the people whom I love most. I cannot. I simply found myself repeatedly drawn back to those people as my pale ignorant ego vanished each time I thought I needed it.
Somewhat scared to trust ..
I hope, I love, I adore, unconditionally. Again :)