Three weeks ..and some days

Sunday morning. I`m embracing my loneliness. I`m finally starting to appreciate it. I`m finally sure I can make it without you. I`m finally convinced that you are a hoax, an illusion, a lie.
I am alone. And I love the way the pain furiously tries grabbing my insides, trying to devour me and all I can do is feel the numbness.
Hate is my most sincere and sweet anesthesia.
You are nothing to me now.

Day 7+7+3. End

Message to you -> Time To Swallow Your Own Vomit

Good bye.

Hate?

I am sick; disgusted;
Again and again. In my life comes a point where my (sometimes considered even by me) infantile and naive reality system so perfectly balanced by my beliefs of good will and a certain sort of theory of collective genetic human altruism is being confronted, attacked and screwed around with by people.
So I need revising my theory.. another chunk of unconditional trust is scraped out, another set of bricks are qualified erroneous, another vial of love for humans is removed and thrown away.
I know not many people read my blog and hope that the few people who read this (most probably closest and dearest to me) will understand me and anyone who needs revising their system of thoughts and love will understand the part that is and was meant for them so they won`t need to endure seeing the way people mutilate their own love for those individuals on a daily basis just so one can live happily and the other can try ridding itself from the pain.

• Egoism is needed! It is a must! I need it and guess you do too...

• Altruism is needed! It is also a must! I need it, i want it and really don`t know if you do too...

The balance is sometimes hard to achieve. I trust myself, i sometimes like myself, but rarely i feel i love myself and most certainly never qualify myself as First class (or in romanian educational system - grade 10). I don`t need anyone to be as me. Ever! Thought I certainly need people to treat me as I treat them (may that be bad or good).
I would love to shout out loud I love all of you but sadly i cannot. Maybe will love you in an hour, maybe in a day, maybe in a month but not now..

* Note 1 - You dare to take a breath and think anything of me? You dare to accuse me? You dare to be ignorant by telling me that YOU are waiting for me in that shitty city (i began to hate so much)? You dare to tell me the type of person I am while knowing nothing about me and me knowing nothing about you? You dare to do all this while I was the only one sitting in empty rooms left alone? I never stood in your path (not directly by my actions or interference at least). So I invite you to take your fists out of your pockets and let me not oppose you a second, let me taste your senseless anger for something you could not possibly understand now. I will laugh in your face and know I had the respect and altruism for you..

*Note2 - Thank you for being a friend !

*Note3 - I trust your trust that you will all find the exact lines addressed to you since there is no point in pointing out.

day 1.1

Soon, baby, soon, I can spit it all out. Soon it will make me explode .. the lapse of motion, and your scent trapped in my lungs .. I will explode..

Inside

Impression surpresses expression, thoughts surpress voice, air surpresses smoke, love surpresses hate and disgust... Numb..

To be frank alcohol surpresses soberty .. some sleep is now welcomed..

Day 7

Halfway drunk, not quite but almost totally i walk on narrow streets .. some who I know pop out from right and left to say hi to make me feel a better man, some pretending to be true friends, others comforting me with a smile, but still so little are they who truly come up to me, look into my eyes and know what i am.

The signs on the wall tempt me disgracefully - the mellow flowery scent of her body, her footmarks, everything is marked by her presence - all of them disgustingly delight my senses, i fight my soul now - the soul that tortured and tortures my mind infecting all my body - now a piece of me strangles to fight back my soul`s disgusting temporary delight for her traces.
I`m scared. But still stronger than ever was before..

P.U.K.E (Partial Undesirable Knowledge Elevation)

Day 6 (morning)

I wish I could escape...

Day 5

arch enemy, pogo, wine, 2packs of Lucky, free hugs and a bit of vandalism...

"you are nothing, never will be, never was"

Day 4 (mid-day)

You just left. Left me.. no kiss on the cheek, no farewell but a shitty "bybye". This bottle of 2006 Gamay I bought for us from France neutralizes my soul to nothing. I am strong now, I can say fuck you, I can stare at you and feel nothing but a rotten soul ready to be revived by an other soul in front of me but the embrace still makes me shiver of pleasure and love..
It`s all a non-sense and I am the only one of us that realizes all you feel and are about to feel. You shat on me, you shit on me and you will continue so until either you start to remember and feel like a human or do so until there`s nothing left of me in you. You are strong, though you are so far from realizing how much of a coward you are...

" Sunbirds leave their dark recesses
Shadows glid the archways

Do not turn your face towards me
Confronting me with my lonliness
You are in a forest unknown
The secret orchard
And your voice is vast and achromatic
But still so precious

Lullaby of the crescent moon took you
Mesmerized, its kaleidoscopic face
Granted you a hollow stare
Another soul within the divine herd"

Day 4

It is day 4 [3:45AM] since i feel continuously so fucking much so fucking fast that if you would ask me how do i feel i would ask back "this second or the past second?". Actually if I think into it the only thing that does not really change is cigarettes.. cigarettes now seem like a chain of thoughts - feel the pain, i pop off the cap off this stupid pack Lucky Strike and take one out - light it and take a deep smoke into my lungs, look up the celling and start to wonder "holy fucking god if i would just had one chance to step back in the past, yes right there when it was october and we went out to shop for some furniture and a carpet and stuff... what if i knew i would lose you, really lose you on a random day in the future?!? what if i told you you were to leave me just as I am now unchanged? what if i would have showed you just how much i care for you? " - now the cigarette is half-way over and my whole body numbed by what i feel in my chest (fairly awkward i used to think the soul is in our heads, practically our brains, but i can really feel the physical pain in my chest, right in my heart as if all the memories, confusion, rage, jealousy, and love would stuff it up and make it larger and harder to bear) - i start to remember even our shedules and next day chores "i somehow -a bit fautily- managed to put your shelf together and fix up your closet a bit, stayed for a while and then went back to that awful dorm just with one goodbye kiss instead of staying with you a while, comforting you and telling you all that i feel now, caressing you to sleep or eat something nice or make love". would that make a difference?" the question as all these idiotic questions remain silent and unanswered as i look down on my cigarette and see that no more nicotine is to be sucked out of it. Some moments I just wait anxiously for tomorrow or any day that would be, to see your face and hug you again and feel you close, just feel that you still know me best and i still am your closest one in any trouble you would get into, though sometimes i just think of the randomness of this happening that tears down our castle we built... was it really random?...or was it a hidden thought in your head or a tiny stream of your genes that just sat there waiting for this moment? I really wish i could pray to God for something to turn to a better way but all this randomness seems as if it would really be something that was really not so random in terms of destiny but merely in terms of when and where. I would be happier if i could just phone you and explain how much, how really much i feel towards you but all this merely makes you stronger and makes me weaker. So I smoke one of my last dearest rotting enemy, the red lucky in front of my screen and hope for tomorrow will pass fast and glorious, painless and loveless . .

Songs about Jane, or rather you "I`ll never leave you behind, or treat you unkind" (performed on 13.01.2008 )