Day 4

It is day 4 [3:45AM] since i feel continuously so fucking much so fucking fast that if you would ask me how do i feel i would ask back "this second or the past second?". Actually if I think into it the only thing that does not really change is cigarettes.. cigarettes now seem like a chain of thoughts - feel the pain, i pop off the cap off this stupid pack Lucky Strike and take one out - light it and take a deep smoke into my lungs, look up the celling and start to wonder "holy fucking god if i would just had one chance to step back in the past, yes right there when it was october and we went out to shop for some furniture and a carpet and stuff... what if i knew i would lose you, really lose you on a random day in the future?!? what if i told you you were to leave me just as I am now unchanged? what if i would have showed you just how much i care for you? " - now the cigarette is half-way over and my whole body numbed by what i feel in my chest (fairly awkward i used to think the soul is in our heads, practically our brains, but i can really feel the physical pain in my chest, right in my heart as if all the memories, confusion, rage, jealousy, and love would stuff it up and make it larger and harder to bear) - i start to remember even our shedules and next day chores "i somehow -a bit fautily- managed to put your shelf together and fix up your closet a bit, stayed for a while and then went back to that awful dorm just with one goodbye kiss instead of staying with you a while, comforting you and telling you all that i feel now, caressing you to sleep or eat something nice or make love". would that make a difference?" the question as all these idiotic questions remain silent and unanswered as i look down on my cigarette and see that no more nicotine is to be sucked out of it. Some moments I just wait anxiously for tomorrow or any day that would be, to see your face and hug you again and feel you close, just feel that you still know me best and i still am your closest one in any trouble you would get into, though sometimes i just think of the randomness of this happening that tears down our castle we built... was it really random?...or was it a hidden thought in your head or a tiny stream of your genes that just sat there waiting for this moment? I really wish i could pray to God for something to turn to a better way but all this randomness seems as if it would really be something that was really not so random in terms of destiny but merely in terms of when and where. I would be happier if i could just phone you and explain how much, how really much i feel towards you but all this merely makes you stronger and makes me weaker. So I smoke one of my last dearest rotting enemy, the red lucky in front of my screen and hope for tomorrow will pass fast and glorious, painless and loveless . .

Songs about Jane, or rather you "I`ll never leave you behind, or treat you unkind" (performed on 13.01.2008 )