7.31.2010

WhatWhoWhereWhy?

When is not included in this whole idea since when is not important at all as this sentence lacks all meaning or direction! I have decided, I have chosen.
I have chosen not to take the spectrum and all the knowledge of human being`s nature in consideration anymore. My mind is the center-point and not other people`s minds are the center-points of my consideration when choosing how, where and WHAT to speak, most importantly with whom.
I suddenly found myself regaining contact with the center-piece of my mind. I feel horrible in a way. I feel like I have betrayed myself and my consciousness painting the walls with all the things other people were wanting. My mind is full and fully saturated with something I have painted out of a disgusting commodity. I took other people`s worlds as templates of my own world`s and mind`s design.
I am a liar and a hyper-honest at the same time. I believed in my lies that were not even lies except the fact that it was made out of the prettiest "paper-models" of other people`s thoughts.
Yes, personal ambition, awareness of self, thirst of knowledge is not something to label as a lie but today I realized how comfortably I fall into the "arms" and thought-system of the people who gain trust in me.
I was convinced by a blind belief that anyone who succeedes in gaining enough trust in me is worthy of being in my small precious circle since that would mean I have gained enough trust in that person to open myself. But no. I need comfort. I need things simply to click. To be as natural as nature`s simple rules couls ever get. I need the comfort I found in myself tonight. The total comfort I forgot I had somewhere out there.
Of course I had to exaggerate it a small bit - just to show how much I could care if they would do the same. But some things clicked in a way they haven`t in a really long while. Maybe since I was a child.
It`s not snobism. It`s not me being fake. It`s actually nothing else than realizing who the fuck I am. Or at least what the shitty fuck my own mind is about and which is the direction I should focus my world forward on.
I love you people. I really do, but honestly, it is the time to do more than nurture my brain in a vegetative, repetative, tortureistic state. It is time to step on and make everything comfy around myself. It really is.
With all my love to people who I care for,

darkwhite and grey and all the colors I could barely see of my "monochrome" world.

2 comentarii:

A.F. spunea...

>:D<

Anonim spunea...

:*