Caring or obsessing ?!

Coffee cups...

bitter, cold, dry coffee aftertaste...- sliding from good to very bad as a pendulum - continuously, unstoppably, i find myself in the same shameful position of assuming the best when the worst is already all over my soul crawling into my deepest buried feelings - just so i can stop the bad pulling me even lower than what i knew to be the lowest possible

. i do not really care about what and how my close ones tend to perceive all this as the easiest task or should i call it a momentary unwanted, uncontrolled, unprovoked way of life // i went way beyond thinking that i`m a weak creature.. no .. unstable maybe, but weak certainly not

. i sense every scrape of feeling slowly wearing off me.. i honestly feel that in fact the essence of what i am missing and longing for most is slowly wearing off me, disappearing forever, that everything inside will have to be rebuilt once life is resumed. this is the one thing that frightens me the most.. i now sometimes feed my soul off (rebuilt, recreated, re-invoked, refurbished) memories witch makes me feel so awfully dead inside.

. i guess i am the obsessive type of person who enjoys meticulously seeking out the best things in life as a long careful patient adolescent activity, after witch sticks to the very best things discovered holding on to them like a stubborn child no matter what..

. i honestly feel the need of getting the center of my thoughts and actions back into me rather than spiraling it trough the worries for the few valued people around me

must get back to myself, must get colder outside & warmer inside, must must must