Dancing on a thin line between sanity and in - sanity. Now I know most of the rules, now I consciously know part of my qualities. But man, the flaws .. the flaws that could be a miracle of humanity are just plain black spots waiting to be washed away by cruel practicallity. A man`s got to do what he`s got to do. That`s all - Do it ! - wash it all away as best as you can for time passes and poetry is dead. At least it it is if you don`t have the virtue and proper means to flour them.
So yes, a man`s got to do what he`s got to do ..

WhatWhoWhereWhy?

When is not included in this whole idea since when is not important at all as this sentence lacks all meaning or direction! I have decided, I have chosen.

I have chosen not to take the spectrum and all the knowledge of human being`s nature in consideration anymore. My mind is the center-point and not other people`s minds are the center-points of my consideration when choosing how, where and WHAT to speak, most importantly with whom.

I suddenly found myself regaining contact with the center-piece of my mind. I feel horrible in a way. I feel like I have betrayed myself and my consciousness painting the walls with all the things other people were wanting. My mind is full and fully saturated with something I have painted out of a disgusting commodity. I took other people`s worlds as templates of my own world`s and mind`s design.

I am a liar and a hyper-honest at the same time. I believed in my lies that were not even lies except the fact that it was made out of the prettiest "paper-models" of other people`s thoughts.
Yes, personal ambition, awareness of self, thirst of knowledge is not something to label as a lie but today I realized how comfortably I fall into the "arms" and thought-system of the people who gain trust in me.

I was convinced by a blind belief that anyone who succeedes in gaining enough trust in me is worthy of being in my small precious circle since that would mean I have gained enough trust in that person to open myself. But no. I need comfort. I need things simply to click. To be as natural as nature`s simple rules couls ever get. I need the comfort I found in myself tonight. The total comfort I forgot I had somewhere out there.

Of course I had to exaggerate it a small bit - just to show how much I could care if they would do the same. But some things clicked in a way they haven`t in a really long while. Maybe since I was a child.

It`s not snobism. It`s not me being fake. It`s actually nothing else than realizing who the fuck I am. Or at least what the shitty fuck my own mind is about and which is the direction I should focus my world forward on.

I love you people. I really do, but honestly, it is the time to do more than nurture my brain in a vegetative, repetative, tortureistic state. It is time to step on and make everything comfy around myself. It really is.

With all my love to people who I care for,

darkwhite and grey and all the colors I could barely see of my "monochrome" world.

Caring or obsessing ?!

Coffee cups...

bitter, cold, dry coffee aftertaste...- sliding from good to very bad as a pendulum - continuously, unstoppably, i find myself in the same shameful position of assuming the best when the worst is already all over my soul crawling into my deepest buried feelings - just so i can stop the bad pulling me even lower than what i knew to be the lowest possible

. i do not really care about what and how my close ones tend to perceive all this as the easiest task or should i call it a momentary unwanted, uncontrolled, unprovoked way of life // i went way beyond thinking that i`m a weak creature.. no .. unstable maybe, but weak certainly not

. i sense every scrape of feeling slowly wearing off me.. i honestly feel that in fact the essence of what i am missing and longing for most is slowly wearing off me, disappearing forever, that everything inside will have to be rebuilt once life is resumed. this is the one thing that frightens me the most.. i now sometimes feed my soul off (rebuilt, recreated, re-invoked, refurbished) memories witch makes me feel so awfully dead inside.

. i guess i am the obsessive type of person who enjoys meticulously seeking out the best things in life as a long careful patient adolescent activity, after witch sticks to the very best things discovered holding on to them like a stubborn child no matter what..

. i honestly feel the need of getting the center of my thoughts and actions back into me rather than spiraling it trough the worries for the few valued people around me

must get back to myself, must get colder outside & warmer inside, must must must

Stress in weightlessness

2 days left...
I can`t seem to find my ambition anywhere. I looked for it under the bed, on my desk, in the drawer. This seems too overwhelming..

This will be either complete, total, extreme humiliation OR
there is the slight chance of it turning out to be a great, mind blowing victory..

Up to you, up to you, every voice says . .

Yes, ME !

High speed drop.

High speed drop into the depths of madness....
Each word of anger filled with poisonous self-defensive excrements crunches my insides. I ask, you ask back. No matter how far, how good, how bad, how impressive or disgusting the present moment would be, you`re always the first to part, to run and abandon.

Momentary solution - - coffee, cigarettes, a good movie and return to munching floyd`s Piper at the gates, Dark Side of the Moon, Meddle and Animals records.

My bell jar

5:47AM The sun rises again. Everything should be so simple. So perfect. It is. In a twisted perfect way.
I am afraid of the cold unromantic city .. scared of returng, of all the speechless white commotion, of cold places, of all the familiar faces, of mornings and evenings, of nights spent in a screechy old bed.
I am serene in my own bell jar.. A few more days.. A few more breaths of slow warm air..

I ask myself only one thing - will she still be true?

Being an asshole -

My mood is somewhat rainy. Self-blame and generally regrets of this sort are feelings I have not felt for some time. Today`s morning was a warm one. A loving, warm, sweet morning.
I fucked up.
This moment in my head lacks something very simple but very vital for what I wish to feel..
I am thankful to all of you for what I am. Sorry for for all that I did not yet become..

Morning non-sense

I have nothing to write. I need to close up right now. I do horribly with people. I need to peek at my surroundings from the inside, carelessly rather than looking from the surface.
I found my place. I found a forgotten sensation of an almost utopic state of serenity. Amazing.
As morning comes...
Retreat on the inside! Peek, don`t look! The thin ice beneath makes every moment of the present slip into this old greyish box of memories hidden in my head . .

I miss the soft silky touch of a yellow gerbera :)

The change

Things change. Constantly. I never thought this part of my life would ever be so vulnerable. I simply supposed that some things just don`t change. That some things that two people imagine and believe in will always be sacred and trusted. That was childish of me to think. And always knew it was somehow, I just never met the perfect situation to confront it until now.
I feel fine. I do my stuff. I am optimistic or at least try to be about anything that comes to my mind. I am improving my neck-rash from my violin. I am reading. I`ve been listening to awesome shit like Mahler - 2nd Symphony, a lot of Bartok, Erik Truffaz, Pinkfloyd (all the creamy stuff). Thinking. Breathing. Smiling. I am fine.
New skin, new face, new smell, new breath, eyes, voice, thoughts... I would lie if I would say I cannot feel its warmth and again-i would lie if i would say i don`t enjoy them.. I feel her in so many ways but the scents, the thoughts, the warmth all leave my soul in a cold loneliness.
I want a chance to try. To try being what we were meant to be.
A deep breath between two cigarettes and three sounds..
I am fine :)

I "r", you "am"

I wish each sentence would begin with an "I", but then again probably everything is better than it looks like...

Sepia days

Ever oscillating. Temporary happiness, momentary madness, nighttime darkness, optimistic depression, pessimistic truth-quests of my mind.

Coffee, rain, quartet, cigarettes, cold, coffee, music, footsteps, cigarette, grey people, white people, red people, black people - conversate, turn back, leave - coffee, cigarettes, warmth, green people - love, silence, two wide shut eyes, disgust, turn back, leave - motionless walking, half an hour, fury, red wine, smile, cigarettes, strings, fingers, artificial warmth - turn back, leave - words, sounds, skin patches, dark silence - -
swallow; exhale; sip; inhale . .

We live our days by our own prefferrence centering it around our own habbits and ritualistic actions.

Solitude - I am my closest friend; I am the center of every thought and action; Each place I stop, my solitude anchors me there; "Each sentence begins with an I "; 'friends' are my mere tools of passing of my time; Each plan is perfect and is affected at some level by my self-motivation; Other people`s interference just causes uncertainty so I turn back to my own dialogues; -=My solitude equals certainty; certainty equals my safety=-

Two - We are two; We may be or simply just think we are each other`s centers of thoughts and actions; Each place we stop our love may anchor us there or though our feet may lead us in different directions; Our interference in words and actions may just cause confusion; Self-motivation shifts to expectations based on our own knowledge about ourselves; We may feel unequal, unappreciated, unloved.. ; -=Our companion equals uncertainty; uncertainty equals distrust and chaos; your lies equal leaving me outside in the windy cold rain anchored to my memories of you=- Love - Love is . . Love is not; I know, you know, he knows, they know, she knows, we know; Love is not "Solitude" nor "Two".

Please show me what it is . . or let me walk back to my bitter-cosy solitude .

Isn`t life funny ?!

Isn`t life so awfully funny? Why yes it is! It is if I tell you!
Some give, others take and again there are ones who give and take.
All this shitty blog. An illusion of writing for myself, hoping someone reads it.
All the worthless words typed in..
My own proud conclusion of life after one month of agony is:
Fuck around with life as much as you desire and more importantly with people`s lives because in case you don`t other`s will end up fucking around with you and life cannot wait to show you how "fuckable-around" you are.

This blog may be getting to an end. Comments are welcome.
Life and people await me to fuck around with them..

Nice to learn some new things..

It is nice to learn how love works nowadays...
Don`t give too much, it might be to much to recieve for someone else. Leave your own dosage of love (vial of love) for the rest of the world.
I`m okay. Coffee tastes great, the cold outside just makes the warmth of the coffee warmer. I AM fine ! Hope you all are..

P.S.

Back and forth.

Almost a week passed. Our minds are twisted. Our thirst for life that drives us from a day to the next one is humongous.. Exaggeratedly humongous?!
My thirst is! I began feeling dehydrated by my greedy self. Now unbelievable soft, warm, long kisses linger on my lips, my fingers touch such a soft beautiful skin and the smell . . the skin . . and its smell again . . they all drive my mind into a temporary madness, an almost sick hyper-saturation of love . .
I don`t care about what I am right now. Considered, reconsidered and exponentially re-re-re-considered shifting my attitude towards people and most importantly towards the people whom I love most. I cannot. I simply found myself repeatedly drawn back to those people as my pale ignorant ego vanished each time I thought I needed it.
Somewhat scared to trust ..
I hope, I love, I adore, unconditionally. Again :)

Three weeks ..and some days

Sunday morning. I`m embracing my loneliness. I`m finally starting to appreciate it. I`m finally sure I can make it without you. I`m finally convinced that you are a hoax, an illusion, a lie.
I am alone. And I love the way the pain furiously tries grabbing my insides, trying to devour me and all I can do is feel the numbness.
Hate is my most sincere and sweet anesthesia.
You are nothing to me now.

Day 7+7+3. End

Message to you -> Time To Swallow Your Own Vomit

Good bye.

Hate?

I am sick; disgusted;
Again and again. In my life comes a point where my (sometimes considered even by me) infantile and naive reality system so perfectly balanced by my beliefs of good will and a certain sort of theory of collective genetic human altruism is being confronted, attacked and screwed around with by people.
So I need revising my theory.. another chunk of unconditional trust is scraped out, another set of bricks are qualified erroneous, another vial of love for humans is removed and thrown away.
I know not many people read my blog and hope that the few people who read this (most probably closest and dearest to me) will understand me and anyone who needs revising their system of thoughts and love will understand the part that is and was meant for them so they won`t need to endure seeing the way people mutilate their own love for those individuals on a daily basis just so one can live happily and the other can try ridding itself from the pain.

• Egoism is needed! It is a must! I need it and guess you do too...

• Altruism is needed! It is also a must! I need it, i want it and really don`t know if you do too...

The balance is sometimes hard to achieve. I trust myself, i sometimes like myself, but rarely i feel i love myself and most certainly never qualify myself as First class (or in romanian educational system - grade 10). I don`t need anyone to be as me. Ever! Thought I certainly need people to treat me as I treat them (may that be bad or good).
I would love to shout out loud I love all of you but sadly i cannot. Maybe will love you in an hour, maybe in a day, maybe in a month but not now..

* Note 1 - You dare to take a breath and think anything of me? You dare to accuse me? You dare to be ignorant by telling me that YOU are waiting for me in that shitty city (i began to hate so much)? You dare to tell me the type of person I am while knowing nothing about me and me knowing nothing about you? You dare to do all this while I was the only one sitting in empty rooms left alone? I never stood in your path (not directly by my actions or interference at least). So I invite you to take your fists out of your pockets and let me not oppose you a second, let me taste your senseless anger for something you could not possibly understand now. I will laugh in your face and know I had the respect and altruism for you..

*Note2 - Thank you for being a friend !

*Note3 - I trust your trust that you will all find the exact lines addressed to you since there is no point in pointing out.

day 1.1

Soon, baby, soon, I can spit it all out. Soon it will make me explode .. the lapse of motion, and your scent trapped in my lungs .. I will explode..

Inside

Impression surpresses expression, thoughts surpress voice, air surpresses smoke, love surpresses hate and disgust... Numb..

To be frank alcohol surpresses soberty .. some sleep is now welcomed..

Day 7

Halfway drunk, not quite but almost totally i walk on narrow streets .. some who I know pop out from right and left to say hi to make me feel a better man, some pretending to be true friends, others comforting me with a smile, but still so little are they who truly come up to me, look into my eyes and know what i am.

The signs on the wall tempt me disgracefully - the mellow flowery scent of her body, her footmarks, everything is marked by her presence - all of them disgustingly delight my senses, i fight my soul now - the soul that tortured and tortures my mind infecting all my body - now a piece of me strangles to fight back my soul`s disgusting temporary delight for her traces.
I`m scared. But still stronger than ever was before..

P.U.K.E (Partial Undesirable Knowledge Elevation)

Day 6 (morning)

I wish I could escape...

Day 5

arch enemy, pogo, wine, 2packs of Lucky, free hugs and a bit of vandalism...

"you are nothing, never will be, never was"

Day 4 (mid-day)

You just left. Left me.. no kiss on the cheek, no farewell but a shitty "bybye". This bottle of 2006 Gamay I bought for us from France neutralizes my soul to nothing. I am strong now, I can say fuck you, I can stare at you and feel nothing but a rotten soul ready to be revived by an other soul in front of me but the embrace still makes me shiver of pleasure and love..
It`s all a non-sense and I am the only one of us that realizes all you feel and are about to feel. You shat on me, you shit on me and you will continue so until either you start to remember and feel like a human or do so until there`s nothing left of me in you. You are strong, though you are so far from realizing how much of a coward you are...

" Sunbirds leave their dark recesses
Shadows glid the archways

Do not turn your face towards me
Confronting me with my lonliness
You are in a forest unknown
The secret orchard
And your voice is vast and achromatic
But still so precious

Lullaby of the crescent moon took you
Mesmerized, its kaleidoscopic face
Granted you a hollow stare
Another soul within the divine herd"

Day 4

It is day 4 [3:45AM] since i feel continuously so fucking much so fucking fast that if you would ask me how do i feel i would ask back "this second or the past second?". Actually if I think into it the only thing that does not really change is cigarettes.. cigarettes now seem like a chain of thoughts - feel the pain, i pop off the cap off this stupid pack Lucky Strike and take one out - light it and take a deep smoke into my lungs, look up the celling and start to wonder "holy fucking god if i would just had one chance to step back in the past, yes right there when it was october and we went out to shop for some furniture and a carpet and stuff... what if i knew i would lose you, really lose you on a random day in the future?!? what if i told you you were to leave me just as I am now unchanged? what if i would have showed you just how much i care for you? " - now the cigarette is half-way over and my whole body numbed by what i feel in my chest (fairly awkward i used to think the soul is in our heads, practically our brains, but i can really feel the physical pain in my chest, right in my heart as if all the memories, confusion, rage, jealousy, and love would stuff it up and make it larger and harder to bear) - i start to remember even our shedules and next day chores "i somehow -a bit fautily- managed to put your shelf together and fix up your closet a bit, stayed for a while and then went back to that awful dorm just with one goodbye kiss instead of staying with you a while, comforting you and telling you all that i feel now, caressing you to sleep or eat something nice or make love". would that make a difference?" the question as all these idiotic questions remain silent and unanswered as i look down on my cigarette and see that no more nicotine is to be sucked out of it. Some moments I just wait anxiously for tomorrow or any day that would be, to see your face and hug you again and feel you close, just feel that you still know me best and i still am your closest one in any trouble you would get into, though sometimes i just think of the randomness of this happening that tears down our castle we built... was it really random?...or was it a hidden thought in your head or a tiny stream of your genes that just sat there waiting for this moment? I really wish i could pray to God for something to turn to a better way but all this randomness seems as if it would really be something that was really not so random in terms of destiny but merely in terms of when and where. I would be happier if i could just phone you and explain how much, how really much i feel towards you but all this merely makes you stronger and makes me weaker. So I smoke one of my last dearest rotting enemy, the red lucky in front of my screen and hope for tomorrow will pass fast and glorious, painless and loveless . .

Songs about Jane, or rather you "I`ll never leave you behind, or treat you unkind" (performed on 13.01.2008 )